Destroying safety equipment should not be for the wealthy alone.
Southwest Airlines Flight from Pittsburgh to Las Vegas: Flight Attendant: Disabling a smoke detector will result in a two-thousand-dollar fine, and if you had two thousand dollars, you’d be flying on...
View Article“That professor is a total ‘square!!!’”— Bazooka Joe
Intro to Economics Class, Cathedral of Learning: Econ Professor: So how would you then find the area of the rectangular? Student: Length times width. Econ Professor: No. For the rectangular, it’s one...
View ArticleThe Fast Food Connoisseur
Wendy’s, Waterworks Mall. Sunday Afternoon. A loud woman approaches the counter with her grandson and sets down an empty cup: Loud Woman: This spilled. [Employee takes the cup to refill it] Loud Woman:...
View ArticleExtending a Greased Palm in Friendship
Hamburg Hall, CMU: CMU Student #1: She’s such a great friend! CMU Student #2: Yeah, well, she thinks she is. Sometimes I just feel like she’s trying to bribe me. CMU Student #1: Yeah, but do you know...
View ArticleCraig thought of this moment years later while burying the bodies.
Health and Wellness Section, Sam’s Club, Robinson. A large 40-something woman holding a twin-pack of tampons stops pushing her buggy and turns to her pre-teen son: Woman: SO WHAT? I’m allowed to shop...
View ArticleWhy couldn’t his father just bring it to her?
86B Outbound. Late Afternoon: Young Woman #1: [holding young boy] I took my son to be vaccinated today, but it ended up taking all day. Young Woman #2: Really? Why’d it take the whole day? Young Woman...
View ArticleIf we’re not expected to pronounce Versailles properly, why should we put in...
71A Inbound. 10 a.m.: Loud Woman on Cell Phone: Oh, wait, it’s not Duquesne Light. —Well, I can’t say it, but it’s spelled D-U-Q-U-E-S-N-E. —Ohhh!
View ArticleWhen he loses his last penny, the floor show begins.
Carnegie Library, East Liberty. An old man with shoe-polish-black hair is standing at a copier and crooning. Old Man: [stops singing] Oops, can’t sing, it’s a library. [Sings a little more] I bet you...
View ArticleEven wishes made at the grease wishing well cost fifty cents.
Cash Register, Ritters, Bloomfield: Customer: [being silly] Are these toothpicks free? Waitress: Yeah, right. Nothing in this place is free. [thinks for a moment] The air, maybe. You’d be lucky to get...
View ArticleSuccessful people find a need for a coffee franchise and fill it. After...
41D Inbound. A yinzer in casual business attire is sitting, spread out, in the back of the bus, speaking to a 20-something woman, also in casual business attire: Yinzer: Do they have a Starbucks in...
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